A story to share- Part 5 and Part 6

Chapter 5
There was a long period of silence. I wiped my tears off but they kept on coming. Jacky stroked me gently on my back, as if it would help to stop my sobbing. In that moment, I really wished I would wake up in the comfort of my bed and realize that everything had just been a dream.I guessed I had regretted telling Jacky everything. No one knew about all this except Landy. I had tried so hard to bury my past but Jacky’s persistence had caused me to dig it out. I pushed Jacky off, knowing I could not lay my head on his shoulder forever. To my surprise, he was wearing a smile, not at all surprised by my story.“And you believe you caused the death of your mother? Because of the ‘curse’ that you have?” he said.I nodded.“Silly, Joanna. There’s a word known as ‘coincidence’. It just happened to be a coincidence.”This time round, I shook my head. “A few days after my mother’s death, I had a quarrel with one of my friends. In the midst of the quarrel, I…” I paused again. It was hard to dig out a past that had been buried away for so long. “I said, ‘You’re so stubborn, your boyfriend is gonna leave you soon!’. And a few days later, her boyfriend broke up with her.”“Well, two coincidences.”“I once scolded a taxi driver for speeding. I said he would soon get into an accident if he continued to speed. He ignored my warnings and the next day, the newspaper reported that a taxi had smashed onto a tree. Luckily the taxi driver suffered no serious injury. I’ve always hoped it was just coincidences, Jacky. It’s not. It’s a curse. I’m cursed. Every bad thing I say will come true.”“That’s the reason why you’re so quiet? So… introverted?”I nodded. “More or less. Trust me, it’s not coincidences. There’re more examples of my curse. I dare not talk, for fear I may ‘accidentally’ curse others. It’s not my fault.”Jacky bit his lip. A few seconds later, he mouthed, “I remembered you once said you’ve got friends outside JC. Is it true?”“Just one friend. Name’s Landy. Strangely…” I stopped, wondering if I should tell Jacky about Landy or not. I thought, since I had already told him so much, why not tell him about Landy as well? “She isn’t affected by my curses. I had accidentally cursed her a few times but she seems to be immune to it. Nothing happens after my curses. Hence she has always been my best friend.”I told him more about Landy, on how we first met and how she visited me frequently just for a chat. “My grandmother will open the door for her when I’m not in. However my grandmother always forgets she does that. She has poor memory and poor eyesight.”“Landy must have been a good friend to come by for a chat.”“Yeah.” I said, a bit annoyed by that pointless remark.“So she knew about your ‘curse’ as well? And encouraged you to avoid talking to others?”“That’s right.” I replied. “She had seen how people suffered under my curse. That’s the reason why she prefers me to keep quiet.”“Okay…” Jacky muttered then closed his eyes, obviously trying to think of something to say.I stared at his closed eyes. Why had I told him so much? Maybe it was to tell him the reason why I did not like the idea of the free-style play. Maybe it was also to tell him that my quietness was not my fault. Maybe to let him paint a better image of me in his mind.“Remember your promise just now?” he suddenly said, interrupting my thoughts.“Yeah.”“Okay, believe in me now. Say this after me ‘I don’t have a curse.’”“But I-”“Remember your promise!” he exclaimed, cutting my sentence. “Now, repeat after me… ‘I don’t have a curse’.”I guessed I just had to play along to humour him. “I don’t have a curse. Silly.”“No! Just say ‘I don’t have a curse’. No ‘silly’ behind. Come on, try again.”I shrugged. Was he childish or was I too matured? “I don’t have a curse.”“Good. Now say ‘I am just having a minor mental illness that can be cured after seeing a psychiatrist.’”“No!” this time, I yelled. “No, I, you… you-” I stopped myself at that very moment. I was going to say “you idiot”, but that would equal to cursing him. I just glared at him, wanting so much to scold him. “I’m not sick.” I sneered.“Believe in me. Remember your promise? Believe in me! Say after me!”“I’m not sick.”“Believe in me. Believe me! You’ll not fail if you believe!”“I’m not sick. I’m cursed.”“Believe me!”Once again, I fell into silence. Knowing that I would not win this argument, I said, “I don’t have a curse. I am just having a minor mental illness that can be cured after seeing a psychiatrist.”Jacky nodded. “Good. I’ll call the shrink tomorrow, and we’ll book an appointment, okay? I’ll accompany you to the shrink.”“What?!” I yelled instantly. “No way!”“Look, Joanna, there’re still five more minutes to the hour. You should still believe me, alright? You need a doctor.”“No I don’t!”“Then prove it to me! If the doctor can’t cure you, then I’ll give up!”I had never seen a shrink before. In my impression, a shrink looks like the beautiful Kelly Chen, the actress who acted as one in the movie “Infernal Affairs”. She would just listen and the patient will do the talking. The patient will feel better after taking some medication and he or she will be cured. Silly, isn’t it? How can anyone’s accumulated mental illness get better after saying everything and popping a few pills? I could not believe Jacky had just suggested I do that.“No.” I said.“I’ll go with you. Every appointment. Please.”He would go with me? I pondered on that. For the longest period of time, I had always been alone. Now this silly weirdo had just proposed to accompany me for those silly appointments. I frowned, lowering my eyebrows to a V shape. Was he trying to break my routine?“Are you trying to break my routine? Change my life?” I said my thoughts aloud.“Yes. I wanna break your routine. I wanna change your life.”This was getting sillier. I had been lonely for more than three years. What could he possibly do? I guessed the best he could do was to mess up my life. Like recommending me to see a shrink. Silly, silly Jacky. Really silly. Asking me to believe in him, to believe that he would be able to change my life…“…for the better.” He added suddenly.For the better? I stared up at the stars. Maybe I was trying to avoid him. But all of a sudden, I said, “When is the first appointment?”It was my heart speaking.He told me he had to check everything first. Upon our agreement, we climbed down the playground and made our way to the bus-stop. After waiting for a few minutes, we realized that it was close to one in the morning.“Sorry, I don’t have enough cash with me.” He said.“Me too.” His face brightened up. “Then I’ll walk you home, and I’ll walk home after that!”I wanted so much to smile. To laugh at his silly antics. However, I just nodded. We were at West Coast and my house is at Jurong Extension. It would take more than an hour’s walk.We started the long walk talking about many things. This was the first time I had spoken so much to another person other than Landy since my parents’ deaths. Jacky said that he was the only child in his family. His father died of cancer when he was just seven; hence he had a very close relationship with his mother.He said he learnt a lot of things when his father was dying. He told me how precious life could be, and said that we all came into this world for a purpose. “Happiness and sadness are not caused by your surroundings. They’re caused by your thinking.” He verbalized. When I asked him about his plans for the future, he gave me an answer that really surprised me. “My plans for the future? Make you smile. Do something meaningful.”We reached my house about an hour later. He was totally exhausted. Beads of sweats blanketed his forehead, but he was still smiling despite the weariness. “I’ll call you.” He said. “I’ll call you and tell you when we’ll meet up for the appointment. I’ll… see you around, eh?”“Yeah.” I said. I realized he still had a long way to go from my house to his house at Bukit Batok. “You want me to get some cash for you to take a cab?” I had expected him to say yes. He was massaging his neck and looked as if he wanted to vomit. However, he maintained his pride and muttered, “No, I’ll walk home. It’s good exercise.”“Well, good for you. See you.”After he left, I took a bath. Landy was my room, sleeping soundly on my bed. After my bath, the doorbell rang. It was two in the morning. Who could it be? I looked through the hole in the door. It was Jacky.“Hey…” he said, resting his back on the wall. His face was pale white, as if he had just seen a ghost. His lips seemed to be wet and he smelled of puke. “Can you lend me twenty bucks? I’ll return it to you tomorrow.”I passed him the money. “Return me something else. Not the twenty bucks. Something else that is worth twenty bucks.” What was I saying? Sometimes, I felt that I said stupid things to him.“Okay.” He saluted me and said, “I’ll return you something else. Something that twenty bucks can’t buy.”With that, he ambled off. I stared at the last of his shadow before I closed my door, and I did something I had never expected myself to do.I smiled to myself.
Chapter 6
I was unable to sleep that night. At first I thought that maybe I was too physically exhausted and my mind was unable to drift into sleep mode. So I began to count sheep, drank warm milk and studied my Economics text. It was futile. After playing a loud slow song that woke my grandmother up, I decided not to sleep. After all, I had to wake up early the next day for school.It was, by then, four in the morning. Several windows outside my apartment were lightening up, getting ready for the day. I looked at my hand phone to check for new messages. There weren’t any. I frowned and sent “Good night, good morning, Mr. Wu” as a SMS to Jacky and went to bath.Why the heck had I done that? For fun? No, in my dictionary, the word ‘fun’ had ceased to exist.I spent the next two hours surfing the Internet, checking my hand phone, watching television, checking my hand phone again, playing games and checking my hand phone once more. At last, at six, I received a message. It was from Jacky.Morning, Joanna! I m so happy. This is the 1st time u msg me. Thx!I deleted the message and then spent the next ten minutes trying to restore deleted messages. There was no such function. Silly me.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Jacky was “acting” normal to me in school.It was like yesterday’s conversation had never occurred. He put on his trademark smile to class as usual and joked his time off. When lunch break came, he bought me my drink and I could avoid the strangeness no longer. I asked, “Why are you acting so strangely today?”“Strangely?” he said. “I’m not! I’m not even acting.”“You are.” I retorted, wondering if I had just accidentally “cursed” him. After a considerably thought, I figured I had not so I continued. “You used to be so…” I stopped. It was not him. It was me.I had suddenly wanted him to pay more attention to me. To talk to me more. To joke with me more. He was just being himself today. What was wrong with me?“I’m sorry.” I said as I looked at my plate of rice, ashamed to face him. “So, when is the… appointment?”“I’m calling them later.”“You’ll… come with me, correct? As you promised?”Although I was not looking at him, I knew he must have been showing me that toothy grin again. “I promise. I’ll come with you for every session. Every single session. Every…”“Good. Good.” I said. “Damn good.”
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
“Hey, Joanna.”I woke up from my doze. The lecturer’s droning voice was amplified to the entire hall. I took a few seconds to register my situation and looked up. It was Michael, one of my classmates who wrote the script for the play. He was sitting in front of me, his head turned. Jacky was snoring beside me, his cheek kissing the table.“Hey, Joanna.” He repeated as if I was still napping. “You there?”I nodded as an answer to his question.“Are you okay?” he whispered.I nodded again. “Why?”“Well, it’s because…”Jacky sprang up from his sleep and grabbed Michael in the neck, standing up. “Don’t harm her!” he shouted.His voice attracted the attention of the entire hall. All the students turned to look at him. The lecturer stopped talking and stared at Jacky with his eyes wide open, obviously surprised at Jacky’s commotion. All I did was to look Jacky in the eyes. Michael did not struggle. He was staring at Jacky, still stunned by his onslaught.A few seconds dragged on. Jacky let go and sat down while Michael scratched his head. They did not exchange a single word. A few whispers from the students killed the silence.“As you all can see, the point when demand is…” Strangely, the lecturer continued the lecture as if nothing had happened.“Hey, Mike.” Jacky whispered. Michael wheeled and faced Jacky. He did not seem afraid. “I’m sorry. I had a silly dream. You know, Mr. Tan’s voice can turn a sweet dream into a nightmare.”“I know. I understand. That’s why I dare not sleep when Mr. Tan is lecturing. By the way, what dream did you just have? Who’s the ‘her’?” Michael asked.“Yeah, who’s the ‘her’?” I asked as well. Must be out of curiosity.“I… forgot. You know, you always forget your dreams.”Michael laughed. “Yeah. Anyway, Joanna, I was able to ask you… are you okay?”“What’s wrong?” Jacky and I replied together.“Well, it’s just that… you’ve smiled five times today. And I’ve seen you smile less than ten times despite knowing you for more than six months. It’s a bit… unusual?”“Well, Michael…” Jacky licked his lips in delight. “She’s going to smile more in the future. I promise you that.”And all of a sudden, I smiled.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
“It’s called the Child’s Guidance Clinic, commonly known as CGC. It provides neuroscience treatment, psychological and psychiatric services to people aged eighteen and below. It’s under the Institute Of Mental Health. The price is cheaper as the Government will subsidize a large portion of the cost. I’ve booked an appointment for you.”Jacky passed me a sheet of paper. There was a map, a date and a time. “The clinic is in Singapore General Hospital. Pretty close to our school, so we’ll have no problem getting there after school. And this…” he passed me another sheet of paper. It was an official appointment letter issued by the Clinic. “We’ll need that to enter the clinic.”“Isn’t that place meant to be for children?”“No, that’s the misconception that most people have. The CGC also accepts teenage patients as long as you have the will to be cured. The age requirement is eighteen and below. And you qualify. Okay?”I read the official appointment letter. The first appointment was for a Tuesday morning on which we had school.“No worries about that. I’ve applied for an official leave from the school.”“Official leave?”“Well, on that day, we both will turn ill. And we’ll ‘buy’ MCs from doctors. Isn’t that official enough?”I laughed.“And when the doctor asks you to choose the next appointment date, give him a date where you and I can go together without skipping school. Okay?”I nodded.“Great.” As he was able to leave, I stopped him. “Huh?”“Look, Jacky…” My eyes met his and I whispered, “Thank you. For everything.”“My gosh, you’re close to tears.” He took a step closer to me and tapped my head. “Come on, it’s nothing much, okay? Cool it.”“I…”“Hey, Joanna.” He turned serious. “You must understand, I’m doing this because I wanna help you, okay? I want you to believe in yourself and others. Just that. We cannot be a couple. You cannot be my girlfriend. I have my reasons. So, don’t you ever fall in love with me, okay?”Fuck. Damn. Ass. Bastard. Idiot. Silly, damn, fucking bastard ass idiot!“I’ll never fall in love with you!” I yelled back at the top of my voice. “I’ll never love you! And you!” I pointed at him in the chest, and then punched him in the chest repeatedly. “Don’t you fall in love with me! Don’t you turn back and tell me ‘I love you!’! You hear me, Jacky Wu Zhong Xian? You hear me?! Me, Joanna Fung Wai Gwan, will never, ever fall in love with Jacky Wu Zhong Xian!”“Cool down-” he whispered.“And you, Jacky Wu Zhong Xian, you’ll better don’t fall in love with me, coz’ I’ll never love you!” I gave him a final punch before I stepped back. My heart was beating a lot faster and my body was jerking up and down uncontrollably. “You cannot be my boyfriend! I have my reasons! Okay! Don’t fall in love with me!”I turned and ran off. A few tears fell. And while I ran, I tore up the two pieces of paper that Jacky had passed to me.

Dixmart

Birthday wish for Cynthia, (failed to upload yesterday)


click for more cards send this card through mail

Today is another rainy day. This situation really make myself relate Kuching this small city to Forks city in U.S.A. as stated in Twilight novel-rain everyday;cloudy throughout the year. Then, is there any Edward Cullen here and Bella Swan here? Haha, just kidding. Well, it's true that I like rains, but it's not that good if this situation goes on. Clothes are hard to dry, and things are more likely to grow fungi. I really hope this situation will stop very soon.
I still trying my best to find my english course institution. So, I went to Dixmart which is located at Stutong area this morning, a rainy morning.
It's dry inside the office, of course (lame?). My parents and I asked the teachers many questions in ENGLISH (ooh, why do i capitalise it? because I seldom speak English) And the teacher, she is kind. I heard that she is from New Zealand (not sure about this?). Well, we have a long chat. Then, she tested me, when I was totally unprepared for anything. She asked me to translate chinese to english. She gave me a few sentences, then hid the english parts, showing the chinese parts, asking me to translate those chinese to english. I was super nervous. In fact, it's very apparently that I was very very nervous because I can feel that my english was 'trembling'. I totaly lost my confident. So, that's why I make mistake even for easy grammar mistake that shouldn't made by a Form 5 student. Anyway, I kinda pass the minor test. Well, I tried to control myself to stay calm so at last I didn't really make big mistakes. The teacher told me that I have reached the xx level(I don't really remember the name, if not mistaken, it's called Communicator stage, but if so, then this a weird name), that's the highest level I could see. The teacher then showed me the textbook. Since I'm uncertain for my future undertaking, so we can't take the english course for a year(which is the complete course). The most that teacher can reach in three months time is just until topic 4 of that textbook. However, I can understand the text, which means that it won't help much. Anyway, I still really thanks a lot to the teacher. We consulted her so many things, but she didn't get any consultation fee from us! However, to me the main thing I need is conversation, oral skill. See, I become nervous to speak english. Who can introduce me the place to go so that I can improve my english? Does television programmes help? I'm very concerned about this. English is still very important to me.
Afternoon, we went to B.D.C. area. I straightaway went to Popular bookstore. I finally bought my Reader's Digest. Here, I found one story very interesting. I would like to share it with all of you.

TITLE : THE OTHER SIDE OF THE COIN
AUTHOR: CATHY WATSON

I WAS DOING A BIG clean-up in the early part of last year and my kids were helping. As he rummaged through boxes and bags, one of my sons came across a knotted handkerchief with an old dark brown coin nestled inside. "Mum, can I have this? Can I play with this in my cash register?" he asked. I took one look and was immediately transported to another time. "You can play with all your coins, but not this one," I said slowly. "This one's special. I will never again see the woman who gave this to me." I fingered the coin gently. "This coin is worth much more than its monetary value."
My son looked at me strangely and I explained. In 1991, I had spent five months in a bleak AFrican country, Niger, ravaged by sandstorms and blistering heat. There were many things I found difficult about this place-the climate and beggars were my biggest and most constant gripes. Street urchins would continually thrust their hands into your face, shouting "Cadeau! Cadeau!" [gift] in French, the former colonial tongue.
After I'd finished my nursing stint there, a friend and I headed for neighbouring Burkina Faso to work in a health clinic. "It's much greener in Burkina. Even the Coke tastes better," the locals assured us.
Arriving by taxi at our destination in Burkina, we began to unload. I had a large backpack and a smaller daypack. With my daypack wedged between my legs, I reached for my larger piece of luggage. Out of the darkness, a motorbike with two men approached slowly. Without warning, one of the men grabbed my daypack as the motorbike swept close by. Within seconds, the two were out of sight, swallowed up by the night.
The bag had my passport, money, traveller's cheques, camera, an airline ticket and other paraphernalia precious to me. I was in deep trouble. And the nearest Australian consulate was in Ethiopia.
In the weeks that followed, I zealously guarded the rest of my valuables and regarded all locals with suspicion. I endured interrogations by the authorities with thinly veiled frustration. All I wanted was to leave this hellhole.
Then, walking through Burkina's streets one day, I was accosted by an old woman who thrust her hand in my face. "Cadeau! Cadeau!" she cried.
I's had enough. I was sick and tired of the country: its poverty and corruption, its thieves, its inefficiency, the heat, the dust and its time-wasting officials. I told her firmly in French, "I have no 'cadeau'. I have no money. A thief stole all my money two weeks ago and now I can't get out of your country. I cannot give you anything."
The beggar woman listened attentively and pondered my words. Then her face crumpled into a toothless grin as she reached into the folds of her dress.
"Then I will give you a cadeau," she announced. Kindly, she placed an old, dark brown coin in my palm. I looked at it in shock. It was a minuscule amount of money - but for this woman, the coin represented a meal. In that moment, I felt the shame of affluence and the humility of charity. She had given me a gift disproportionate to anything that I ever donated. In the midst of her poverty, she was able to give me something priceless.
I saw then the unexpected beauty of the people of Burkina Faso - and appreciated profoundly the quiet dignity of the poor.
Humbled by the old woman's gift, I hope never to part with the coin she gave me. With one small token, she turned my perceptions upside down.

Things to be shared today~
Another great song presented by 東方神起 - - BOLERO

BOLERO - TOHOSHINKI

東方神起 - Bolero
作詞∶ラムジ
作曲∶鈴木大輔/冨田惠一

闇に浮かぶ月のステージに
踊る君の夢見たんだ

深い深い胸の傷を
ひとつひとつ背負わないで
誰も君を責めやしない
君は君でいればいいさ

聴かせて　愛しく儚く
つま先で奏でるBolero
舞い上がれ　君の哀しみも
癒される場所　見つけるさ

暗い部屋の中…
満たされぬ想い窓から溢れ　夢が募る
月明かりの下…
がむしゃらに希望のリズムを刻む　夢が募る
君が君らしいのは　自由に羽ばたくから
誰も知る事のない　答え探して

聴かせて　愛しく儚く
つま先で奏でるBolero
舞い上がれ　君の哀しみも
癒される場所　見つけるさ

Oh, Let you dance away.
Don't you know? I stand by your side.
Yeah, Fly away... Fly to the top.
Fly forever, yeah.

いつまでも　君を照らし続けるよ
見守るよ　君と愛すべき未来を
どこにいても　僕は願い続けるよ
守るから　ah

聴かせて (聴かせて) 眩しく切なく (狂おしく)
情熱で煌めくBolero (歓喜の歌を)
君は決してひとりじゃないから
命の限り舞い上がれ
君の居場所はここにある

LYRICS

01. Bolero
credits to: rey ichigo

Yamini ukau futsuki no suteji ni
Otoruki ii oyumeni tanda
Fukai fukai mune no kisu wo
Hitotsu hitotsu sewonawonaide
daremo kimi wo semeyashinai
kimi wa kimi de ireba ii sa

kikasete
Itoshi kuhaka naku tsowarakide kana deru Bolero
maia kare
kimi no kana shimi wo iyareru basyo-i tsukerusa

mitasareru omoi atokara afure yume katsuneru
Tsukiakari wo shita
Kamusharani kibo wo no ritsumo wo kitsamo

kimi kakimirasii no wajiyu-u ni habataru kara
Daremo shirukoto no nai kottae shagashide.

Kikasede
Itushiru hakanatsu tsumasaki dekana de Bolero
Maia kare
kimi no kana simimoi yasareru pasyo mitsukeru sa

kikasete
Mabushiru setsuna rutso wo netsu dekirame Bolero
Imakotshita
Hitorijanai kara
i no jino kakiri maa kahae

kimi wo i basho wa koko ni aru

TRANSLATION
credits to:cutecrazyness@videouncovered

[Junsu]
the floating darkness of the month when you saw your dream to dance on stage
[Yoochun]
a deep, deep wound
[Yunho]
being alone has no end
[Yoochun + Yunho]
nobody to bother you, you are good, you are good at what you do

{CHORUS}
[Jaejoong]
tell me/sing for me, before leaving, spread your wings and play the bolero
[Changmin]
to soar, find a place where your sadness will be healed

[Yoochun]
inside a dark room,
[Jaejoong]
a window of sentiments is overflowing
[Yunho]
under the moonlight,
[Changmin]
the dream of becoming stronger is a possibility as you engrave your rhythm’s aspiration
dream to become stronger
[Junsu]
you fly freely because you flap your wings
Anyone knows not to look for the answers (or: nobody knows where to search for the answers)

{CHORUS}
[Jaejoong + Changmin]
tell me/sing for me, before leaving, spread your wings and play the bolero
to soar, find a place where your sadness will be healed

Oh~
Let you dance away
Don’t you worry/know
I’ll stand by your side
Ah~
Fly away, Fly away, Fly away, Fly to the top
Fly forever
Yeah, yeah, yeah~

[Junsu]
eternally,
[Yunho]
you continue to shine
[Junsu]
watching over attentively
[Changmin]
for your admired future
[Jaejoong]
where to go
[Yoochun]
as i continue to hope
[Jaejoong]
to protect [you]

{CHORUS2}
[THSK]
sing for me, in radiance, misery, with passion and sparkle in bolero
you are not facing these alone
soar high until the end/last of life
[Jaejoong]
[because] this place is what you have

MUSIC VIDEO